Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize