i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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