the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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