did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
