Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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