you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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