evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
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