watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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