I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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