fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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