Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
