i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
