I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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