Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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