I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
