Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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