I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
