New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
