The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
