defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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