A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
