I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
