Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
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