Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
