he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
