Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
