There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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