Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
