I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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