Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
