I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
