I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
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