Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
