haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
