I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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