If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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