Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You made out with two different species that night
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
