I can text with my tongue
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
