There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
