We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just found puke in my bra..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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