He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
