apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
