so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize