I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
