the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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