fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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