Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
