hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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