Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize