How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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