im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Is it because I queefed?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
