She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You have to summon your inner elephant
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
