Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
