I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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