I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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