I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
