He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
